Thursday, May 1, 2008

Wednesday Ramblings. The pill that cures everything

Wednesday Ramblings - The pill that cures everything
Stabroek News weekly feature. 30 April 2008

“How do you spell phsycofrenia …scizo ….dammit …spell check spell check schizophrenia? El Presidente has to stop using such fancy words. Now what is he talking about this time?
That man has plenty of theories, including wanting a predictable judiciary. Or does he mean one that gives the desired result? And apparently Guyanese are also suffering from expert syndrome…
“I know what that is!”
“Who are you?”
“I’m you”
“You’re me?”
“Yes, I’m you”
“But I’m me. I don’t need you”
“True, but it’s better for the dramatic effect of the piece”
“Like Waiting…
“A To…
“And Fro
“A Back…
And Forth”
“I get it…”
‘So you were talking about expert syndrome? It’s like backseat driving…you know…when your nervous auntie’s in the car… ‘Look out for that cow!’ Meanwhile she can’t even drive.”
“Heck you mean people can’t do that anymore?”
“Well they can backseat drive, but they can’t express opinions on issues of the day…”
“Hold on, isn’t the right to have an uninformed opinion on any subject written into the constitution? If we lose that we might as well shoot ourselves….”
“Not such a good idea you can end up being a vegetable if you miss…
“Poisoning often results in a long tortuous undignified death in the Georgetown hospital, surrounded by relatives, wondering why you would be so stupid. A lot of time for remorse.”
“The rope can break, or you can make the fall too long and your head snaps off. Not nice for the funeral….”
“Ok well if you’re the expert go kill yourself!”
“Not now. Look let’s take a classic example of expert syndrome. The Bell helicopter purchase. There you have Captain Gerry Gouveia who has flown endless hours in helicopters and you have Jagdeo who has never flown a helicopter. Who do you think knows more about buying the right helicopter?
“Well you’re wrong. Gerry is simply suffering from expert syndrome.”

“Oh I get it. It’s like a sickness. ”
“Yes, and lots of people have this sickness. So let’s take another example…the cost of living…”
“Yes yes! The real rate of inflation last year was 18% but when Ashni announced it to be 13.9%, the Stats Bureau had to massage the figures!
“Hold on … you have a really bad case of ES.”
“And if the government is so concerned about rising food costs why have they not released inflation figures for the first three months of the year?”
“Oh you are really in bad shape. Look, take this pill.
“What is it?”
“Never mind just take it”
“It tastes sweet”
“Yes it’s made by the New GPC, the state’s favourite firm. Each member of the Cabinet already takes a pill a day. It’s soon going to be handed out to every schoolchild, eventually it’s going to be released into the water supply. It’s magic. A government’s dream.”

“Well what is it?”
“It’s called the ULP 2008. Unquestioning Loyalty pill.”
“Oh yes, I can feel a euphoria coming on, heck I feel good! And at the same time I feel kind of brain dead. I just want to scream the Truth…Let me try! Please, please!”
“Go ahead…”
“The government is doing its best for the people. Carifesta rocks! Down with the PNC!”
“Hold on! Those are opinions.”
“No they’re not. That’s the sweet sound of the Truth, my brother. Why do people complain so much when they are living in the best of all possible worlds? I have to go…”
“Where are you going?”
“I have to start my kitchen garden, I have to paint a portrait of our dear leader, I have to write a letter to the newspaper with a fictitious name…. There’s so much to do for the good of the nation…”
“But wait…don’t leave me….wait!”
“Heck, I’m all alone with my opinions. Let me take the pill.
You want one too?”

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